★☆☆☆☆ Rated NOT Insured Est. Last Tuesday

A Quick Wipe Over Clean

Cheap. Quick. Questionable.

Where everything's done quickly, not properly. You're not here for a good time. You're here for a cheap time.

Now hiring: No experience necessary (or wanted) Proudly maintaining our 1-star rating Insurance? Never heard of her Your dirt is our maybe We match your energy: Low Same cloth, every room — it's called efficiency Voted most likely to not show up Cutting corners since whenever we started Now hiring: No experience necessary (or wanted) Proudly maintaining our 1-star rating Insurance? Never heard of her Your dirt is our maybe We match your energy: Low Same cloth, every room — it's called efficiency Voted most likely to not show up Cutting corners since whenever we started
Welcome, We Guess

Hi & Welcome to
A Quick Wipe Over Clean

We are not a quality-focused cleaning business. We are the cheapest, and we are fucking proud of it. You will get exactly that: a quick wipe over.

"Sometimes that quick wipe over will involve the same cloth I used in the bathroom being used in the kitchen — because at A Quick Wipe Over, we can't afford infection control training."

Also, if we damage something while we're cleaning, unfortunately we won't be able to fix it. That would require insurance — which we also can't afford — because again, we're the cheapest, not the best.

At A Quick Wipe Over, sometimes we won't actually show up. We won't ask for a deposit. We won't lock in your clean. But we like that same flexibility too. So if I'm crook, double-booked, or just don't give a fuck that day — I won't show up.

"You see, A Quick Wipe Over matches your energy. You're a shit client, and we're a shit cleaner."
Cleaner wiping surface with yellow gloves Actor. Not Staff. Photo Staged
What We Offer (Loosely)

Our "Services"

Four levels of disappointment, tailored to your refusal to pay a fair rate.

🧽

The Quick Wipe Over

Our signature service. One cloth. Every surface. Every room. Cross-contamination is just a fancy word we don't know.

15 Min Max 1 Cloth 0 Standards
👻

The No-Show Special

We might come, we might not. Think of it as Schrödinger's Clean — until you check, we both did and didn't show up.

Duration: ??? Attendance: Optional
🎯

The Selective Clean

We clean what catches our eye. If we're feeling motivated, we might even vacuum. Don't count on it though.

Coverage: Random Mood-Based
✨

The Surface Level

We make it look like someone was here. Wipe the benchtops, straighten a cushion, leave. Deeper cleaning costs more than you'll pay.

Depth: Shallow Results: Cosmetic
The Quick Wipe Over Difference

Why Choose Us?

Because you wanted cheap. So here's what cheap gets you.

🚫

No Insurance

If we break it, that's your problem. We can't afford insurance because you won't pay what proper cleaning costs.

🤷

No Training

Our cleaners learn on the job. Your job. Trial and error — heavy on the error.

💔

No Contracts

We don't do commitment. You might get a different cleaner every time, or the same one who forgets what they did last time.

🧻

One Cloth Fits All

Bathroom, kitchen, bedroom — one cloth does it all. It's not cross-contamination if you don't think about it.

🎲

No Background Checks

We do a quick vibe check. If they turn up, they're in. That's the full screening process.

📉

Rock Bottom Prices

We're cheap because we cut every corner. You wanted affordable? You got it. You get what you pay for — literally.

Race to the Bottom

Our Pricing

Three tiers of "you get what you pay for." Pick your level of regret.

The Bare Minimum

$29 /visit

Perfect for people who think cleaning is easy

  • One room (our choice, not yours)
  • 15 minutes, tops
  • One cloth included
  • BYO cleaning products
  • Results not guaranteed
  • Attendance not guaranteed
Most Popular (Somehow)

The Quick Wipe Over

$49 /visit

Our flagship half-arsed experience

  • Whole house (speed run)
  • Same cloth, every room
  • We'll move some stuff around
  • Attendance: Probable
  • May include vacuuming
  • Still no insurance

The Full Effort*

$69 /visit

*Full effort by our standards

  • TWO cloths (feeling generous)
  • We might actually mop
  • We'll probably show up
  • Could take up to 45 minutes
  • Still absolutely no insurance
  • As good as it gets at this price
Don't Just Take Our Word For It

What Our Clients Say

Real reviews. We'd hide them if we knew how to build a website properly.

Verified Victim
★☆☆☆☆
"They used the same cloth on my toilet and my kitchen bench. When I complained, they said 'you get what you pay for.' They're not wrong, I guess."
Karen M.
Karen M.
Regretful Client
Verified Victim
★★☆☆☆
"They didn't show up for three weeks straight. When they finally came, they were here for 12 minutes. My house somehow looked worse than before."
Dave T.
Dave T.
Still Waiting
Verified Victim
★☆☆☆☆
"Pretty sure they just moved my stuff around and left. But hey, it was cheap, so I can't really complain. Actually, yes I can. This was terrible."
Sandra L.
Sandra L.
Questioning Life Choices
Frequently Argued Questions

FAQ

Questions we're tired of answering, answered poorly.

No. Insurance costs money, and you've made it very clear you don't want to pay for that. If something breaks, we suggest filing it under "life lessons."

Sometimes. Usually whatever's under your sink. We might bring a cloth. Might. If we remember. And if it's clean, that's a bonus — not a promise.

That's between you and your contents insurance. We suggest not leaving anything valuable... anywhere, really. We did warn you we're not insured.

We prefer cash, no questions asked. Tax is for people who charge proper rates. If you need a receipt, maybe hire a proper business next time.

We do a quick vibe check. If they fog a mirror, they're hired. Full screening costs money — and as we've established, we don't have any of that.

You can cancel anytime. So can we. Usually without telling you. It's called mutual flexibility — or, as some people call it, unreliability.

For Fellow Bottom-Feeders

Think You Can Clean Cheaper?

We're always looking for cleaners who want to join the race to the bottom. At A Quick Wipe Over, our ideal candidate:

  • Has zero qualifications (they just get in the way)
  • Doesn't believe in insurance (that's for proper businesses)
  • Thinks $15/hour is "good money"
  • Owns at least one cloth (ideally)
  • Can hold a spray bottle (training complete)
  • Is happy to undercut every other cleaner in the area

Why charge what you're worth when you can charge less? Why invest in your business when you can run it from a plastic bag?

Join us, and together we'll make sure no cleaner earns a fair wage ever again.

Cleaning supplies on shelf Aspirational Only Not Our Actual Supplies
Get In Touch (If You Must)

Ready to Be Disappointed?

Thanks for contacting A Quick Wipe Over. We'll get back to you whenever we fucking please — and probably not in the nicest way. Customer service, presentation, and professionalism aren't really priorities here.